Relationship psychologist Mark Travers has called out the “Why can’t you be more like…” line as toxic. He cautions that it can really destroy your work and personal relationships. In a recent op-ed for CNBC, he outlines the dangerous ramifications of this seemingly innocuous phrase. Yet, it is during argumentative exchange that it becomes even more pernicious and damaging than most of us understand.
Travers details the phenomenon he calls the “death-by-comparison effect.” This effect not only breeds insecurity but may cause permanent harm to the dynamic of a partnership. Equally importantly, he makes the case that no single argument is ever the cause of a relationship ending. Saying this phrase too often can create a toxic cycle of shame and self-doubt.
Often in exasperation, we hurl the comment, “Why can’t you be more like [insert other child’s name]?” at our children. It functions as a rhetorical bludgeon that is demoralizing and deflating. Travers cautions that those kinds of comparisons can hold you back from your own growth and from feeling emotionally close to each other. He warns, “Conceptually speaking, if this nasty phrase makes its way into your lexicon, your marriage is doomed.”
The psychologist goes on to explain the emotional cost that is exacted on the person being told to calm down. Rather than experiencing acceptance for their humanity, the victim of this betrayal starts to question their inherent value. Because they are always worrying about the impression they are making on others. Not only does this constant judgment set the stage for everyone to feel like they are underperforming, it sows seeds of discord even further.
Travers goes on to explain that using this phrase is a red flag that there’s more going on with your relationship. “This phrase itself isn’t the real problem. It’s usually a symptom of a much deeper dysfunction: the fear of openly speaking up,” he explains. “For some reason partners are always looking for the same exact person,” he says. Yet, they don’t often have the boldness to publicly and vocally declare what they really need.
To cut through these complexities, Travers advises a more collaborative mindset going into conversations. Rather than comparing and competing with each other, he suggests couples engage in feelings-based and respectful conversation. I know we are both easily irritated when we’re tired and hungry. It would sure make a difference, especially to young children, if we could speak nicely in public and stop the screaming. He suggests expressing vulnerability: “It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I hope that you’ll join us in finding ways to keep each other grounded in these challenging times.
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