Saying “good job” to children may seem innocuous, but child psychologist Becky Kennedy argues that this common phrase can be detrimental to their development. During an episode of "The Tim Ferriss Show," Kennedy, a mother of three, emphasized the importance of fostering intrinsic motivation in kids rather than relying on external validation.
Kennedy explained that frequent compliments like “good job” can create a yearning for praise, leading children to seek approval from others rather than developing a robust self-concept. This reliance on external validation can undermine a child’s confidence and self-motivation. Parents who wish to raise successful children should instead focus on appreciating the process rather than the product.
“It doesn’t show that you’re truly interested in them — their likes, dislikes, decision-making, friends, teachers, or strengths,” stated Kennedy, highlighting the need for deeper engagement in conversations with children.
Changing the habit of saying “good job” may be challenging for parents. Kennedy acknowledges that it may sound annoying to stop using this two-word compliment, but she insists that once parents begin this shift, the process becomes easier. "I know it sounds annoying at first, I get it," she admitted. "But once you get started it gets easier.”
Kennedy believes that providing feedback that encourages children to express themselves can lead to healthier emotional outcomes. “Anything that helps your kid share more about themself actually ends up feeling better to your kid,” she said. This approach not only supports emotional intelligence but also nurtures resilience.
The goal is to raise children who are confident and self-motivated. Kennedy pointed out that saying “good job” can inadvertently hinder this objective. “Setting up your kids to feel good about themselves — even if they’re not always getting [100%] — is such a massive privilege and it makes them work harder,” she articulated.
In light of her professional experience and personal insights as a mother, Kennedy urges parents to reconsider their approach to praise. While she acknowledges that “[saying] ‘good job’ does not damage kids,’” she highlights its limitations. “But it is a conversation ender,” she added, implying that it may prevent further dialogue about a child’s thoughts and feelings.
As parents strive to foster successful futures for their children, they must recognize the importance of process-oriented praise. By shifting the focus from immediate approval to encouraging self-assessment, parents can cultivate resilient, confident children capable of navigating the complexities of life.
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