That’s the kind of humble request a college student might ask, to borrow a friend’s kitchen. This request sparked a major online discussion about the limits of friendships and the etiquette around sharing private, intimate space. The student, who goes by the username Pikachu930 online, posted on Reddit about his ordeal. The kicker was when he told us how his friend with a dorm room and a meal plan had gotten permission to use his kitchen for an entire week.
A friend that Pikachu930 doesn’t know overly well requested permission to use the kitchen. Most importantly, they demanded use of the refrigerator space to prepare a wide variety of healthy meals. She would love to prepare new recipes chicken breast, avocado toast, lots of great meals. She says it will be hard to get them ready in her dorm. Our ambitious chef Pikachu930 told us he only uses the kitchen 1% of the time. The scale of the request gave him pause.
Pikachu930’s post struck a chord with fellow Reddit users, who understood where he was coming from. He revealed, “It was literally, ‘Can I use your kitchen to cook my own food?’ That’s it. No invitation to connect or spend time together – just a one-way request to use our space.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, a lot of commenters in that thread rejected the nature of his request. As an opening statement, this one nailed all the things I had heard echoed from everyone else.
In unpacking the power plays at play in these asks, manners maven and Texas State University professor Diane Gottsman explained why this is an issue. And she made it clear that friends should absolutely be able to call in favors. Nonetheless, she says there needs to be respect on both ends, too.
“I would also add that it’s a big ask for a friend to borrow another friend’s kitchen over a period of time without offering some type of kindness in return,” – Diane Gottsman
Gottsman emphasized that borrowing someone else’s kitchen repeatedly without offering compensation can be perceived as taking advantage of a friendship. She even recommended her friend to invest in the cleaning of her own dorm kitchen rather than using Pikachu930’s community space.
“Using someone’s kitchen over and over again, without offering to compensate in any way, is simply rude. It’s taking advantage of the friendship,” – Diane Gottsman
The online community generally supported Pikachu930, with users on the site in overwhelming numbers telling Pikachu930 that they shouldn’t comply with their friend’s request. Comments went from aspirational tips to funny takes on how a dorm-style kitchen would look. One user highlighted the challenges faced by aspiring cooks living in dorms, stating, “Dorm kitchens are terrible for people who actually enjoy cooking.”
Furthermore, many users criticized the anti-social nature of the request. A commenter noted, “It does seem a little weird that your gf said you should be ‘honored.’ Is this girl a really excellent cook or is this a compliment paid to your kitchen?” This moment of reflection led to a deep understanding of the need to foster social relationships over just transactional ones.
Even Pikachu930 himself wasn’t sure how to feel about the request. He started to question if he was just being too sensitive. Though he had reservations, he said that he would have preferred a single request for assistance.
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