Dr. Caroline Fenkel, a national expert on adolescent mental health, has warned that ego parenting is harmful. She cautions that this punitive approach to parenting will impact children deeply and permanently. Ego parenting occurs when the parents don’t even know it. In seeking their own emotional satisfaction, they ignore their children’s psychological needs in favor of their personal gratification. Over time, this method can show kids that love comes with strings attached. As a consequence, it can damage their self-image and affect their peer relationships in adulthood.
Ego parenting occurs when a parent is more concerned about self than with what the child needs. Dr. Fenkel recommends that the next time you detect an ego response, take a moment to stop and breathe. Consider instead, “Am I addressing my child’s needs here or just my own unease?” This intentional self-reflection is an essential step towards continuing to build healthier, more welcoming dynamics to the parent-child relationship.
Cheryl Groskopf, a mental health therapist, recently discussed ego parenting in an interview with Pop Sugar. She placed emphasis on the need to understand this as a pattern in order to truly stop the cycle. Groskopf defines ego parenting as a style rooted in the parent’s desire for validation, stating, “Ego parenting is when a parent is parenting from their own need to feel good, right, in control, or validated.” She elaborates that this mindset often shifts the focus away from supporting the child’s growth and instead centers around protecting the parent’s image or emotional state.
The impacts of ego parenting are deep, deep, deep. Children growing up in these toxic settings may carry a deep sense of unworthiness. They are scared to death that their value depends on how closely they mirror their parents’ hopes and dreams. Acknowledging and taking responsibility for your mistakes as a parent can turn your dynamic with your child into one of mutual respect and understanding. She asserts, “When a parent admits they were wrong, it gives a child permission to be imperfect, too.”
The road to liberation from ego parenting starts with self-awareness. Dr. Fenkel believes that “self-awareness is the entry point to change.” Parents who acknowledge their tendencies toward ego-driven reactions can begin to alter their approach, ultimately benefiting their children’s emotional development.
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