After going through such a life-altering event as divorce, many parents find it difficult to navigate the best way to help their children. Justine and Cleary, a formerly married couple who co-parent their three children, have been hailed for their unconventional custody approach referred to as “birdnesting.” Such an approach discourages families from taking care of their children. One parent lives in the family home and the other moves nearby, alternating between them. By putting their kids’ needs first, the two sides have developed a productive partnership. That close attachment persists in spite of the hardships posed by their separation.
When Justine was six months pregnant with their second child, Justine and Cleary agreed to separate, putting an end to their eight-year marriage. They all shared, across demographic lines, a core belief that their children’s success depended on giving them a calm, stable environment. As they chart this new course, honesty and transparency are key tenets. They do provide hard lines to ensure birdnesting can be successful.
“Kids want to sleep in the same bed every night,” Justine shared, emphasizing the importance of keeping the children’s routine intact during this transitional phase. The couple’s commitment to co-parenting has allowed them to create a nurturing environment, despite the emotional upheaval that often accompanies divorce.
For licensed mental health clinician Celeste Viciere, nesting arrangements improve communication. She argues that they are most effective when used in the initial period following a breakup. Nevertheless, she warns of the dangers if birdnesting lasts too long—over six months—making for withdrawn and distressed children. Months is a very short time for kids. More extended periods can prompt more stress, fear, and uncertainty about what being in separate houses would actually be like, Viciere said.
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based psychotherapist, advocates for this line of thinking. She argues that a good nesting period should take no more than 90 days. Walfish tells us that a short transitional period is critical for easing kids into the blow of difficult news. During the transition, their home and community environment remains unchanged; the only variable is the presence of one parent. She cautions that the longer you wait, the more you risk giving your children a misleading impression that their mommy and daddy are getting back together.
Justine and Cleary’s approach reflects a growing trend among divorced couples who aim to keep their children’s well-being at the forefront. Their intense commitment to meeting their children’s needs has brought them widespread acclaim from leadership within the field of family therapy. Justine told Brendan exactly how she felt in that moment, “I can’t stand you right now.” She was soon back to solving mode, stating, “We need to roll up our sleeves and get creative and innovative to make this happen for our children.”
Shelley A. Senterfitt, a former family attorney and current therapist, provides a word of warning from her experience with communal living. She cautions that danger looms when one parent consumes household resources without replacing them, which sows resentment. Although expressed through perhaps a jaded lens, this sentiment highlights the need for transparency around expectations and contributions in any communal living arrangement.
Viciere wants parents to stay focused on how their choices are affecting their kids. Consider the long-term effects of your divorce on your children. Whatever route you take, it’s important for their future prosperity. Kids pretty much get family dynamics right off the bat. This underscores the important need for parents to have clear and open lines of communication about emotions, transitions, and growth.
The public discourse around co-parenting has shifted dramatically. Justine and Cleary’s birdnesting situation stands out in history as an incredibly positive example of prioritizing their children’s well-being during challenging times. Their one-of-a-kind solution has promoted not just the emotional well-being of their children, but a relationship of regard and collaboration between ex-spouses.
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